Monday, July 18, 2016

Amazing Grace

Dear Son,

Today would have been your 45th birthday and it is the second one that I have spent without your earthly presence. The world still spins and I still miss you.

The day you were born your father got kicked out of the delivery room because he wasn't being helpful. You had big shoulders, but you eventually arrived at 23 inches long and 8lbs 10 1/2 ounces. BIG. You were always so slender that I had to buy your pants special from Sears. They had some called "super slim". I would hang all your clothes on individual hangers that would hold the shirt, pants, and socks that would go together to make it easier for you to get dressed. I never dreamed you would be over 6 feet until that day when you were 15 and I bought you a pair of size 12 tennis shoes.

We had many a rough time while you were growing up. You were smarter than I and you ran me ragged. I wasn't alone in that because you were smarter than most of your teachers and others around us. I was happy the day you graduated because I felt like I had made it along with you to the age where you could become responsible for you and there wasn't a draft. I felt you were safe from participating in any wars. You still were taken way to early, but not through that sacrifice.

It is hard when you are staring down at a sweet babies face to know what they will be like in adulthood. After all the trouble you had been in at school for talking, making others laugh and a few other naughty things, who would dream that you would become such a good person so loved by others.

You have done many sweet and thoughtful things for so many people but I am most grateful for the ones you did for me. I especially love the way you loved Dan Tucker and took good care of him. I hope you two have been able to meet up and have fun. I know there are shenanigans within you both waiting to burst out.

Someone has posted a saying on Facebook about heaven having phones. You are global mobile so I wish you would work on the network and get that going because I would love to chat with you as we used to. I know many other people that would like that earth to heaven connection also.

I really love that no matter what was going on in your life, good or challenging, you could always say "God bless" to someone.

I am blessed to be the mother of two loving, intelligent, caring, giving human beings that love God. You and Darcy are both kind and thoughtful. I received an amazing grace in being allowed to be your mom

Obviously no one knows where the next moment will take them, but I am praying for something on the marvelous side for Atlas. Send some good blessings to his mom as well.

Thank you for all the white feathers. I would be happy to bake your favorite birthday dessert if you could drop by for a tad. Bob made his first very own blackberry pie and I am certain he would be happy to share a slice with you.

I was listening to the 2 Cellos station on Pandora today. They played the piece of music called "Hallelujah". I love it. May grace, peace and joy abide in all hearts today. I love and miss you. God Bless. love, mom

Monday, May 2, 2016

Fill your paper with breathings from your soul

Yesterday was my birthday. I went most of my life having my birthday to myself meaning none of my co-workers shared my birthday. When I was in my 40's my sister adopted a boy born on the 1st so since then I have shared with him and three years ago I went to work at the Ben Franklin near where I live and had four other co-workers with my same birth date. That is actually kind of crazy since the store employs less than 100 people.

Unfortunately I had a moment where I let the thought that on my 18th birthday I was pregnant with my son flit through my head. Tears sprang to my eyes and I got a lump in my throat and my gut which persisted for several hours into my birthday adventure. We always play music when we go on an adventure and most music that is about relationships are usually about lovers or spouses. I find things about many of the songs apply to my thoughts and feelings about other relationships in my life. Elvis Presley singing "Memories" is very poignant and there are so many more from the 250 songs loaded on my ipod shuffle.

As I tell you this I don't want to take anything away from my daughter. She was born when I was 15 1/2 and on my 15th birthday I may have thought or wondered if I was pregnant, but I don't think I knew for certain. I was not far enough along to feel her kicking or anything. On the other hand, my son's birthday is in July 2 1/2 months after my birthday so his kicking and such was very much in evidence. I have actually thought many times that even though I had my daughter so young, that she saved my life. I don't know what that means entirely, I just feel it. My son was more of a challenge. I have often said that if the second child had come first there would be no second child.

I don't know how old he was when that thought changed because he made me crazy for years. He challenged every aspect of my being to the nth degree. My secondary thoughts were I wasn't sure if I was going to commit hari-kari or murder. Getting him out of bed and ready for school was a challenge every single day. I was disciplined on a regular basis for being late to work for so many years. When he finally became 18 a miracle happened. I'm hardly ever late for work and I have not been in trouble since then.....well, not total truth, but only things related to me personally.

I don't know if you have ever had this phenomena happen to you, but I have had times in my life where I hardly ever see a particular type car or color anywhere until I buy one for my self and then I suddenly see them all the time. They were actually there all along, I just didn't notice them prior to that time. Since my son died, I have learned about so many other friends or co-workers that have had their children die. One woman I knew in high school had a son who passed away not to long after my son did. It seems crazy and oh so wrong on so many levels yet we are the ones who make up these sayings and have these thoughts. God/dess never promised anyone  any one thing except to love us no matter what.

I am grateful to have had another birthday even if I am missing part of my heart. I hear if you fill broken pieces with gold to mend them and bring them together it will make them stronger. Where do I find the gold for this process?

Monday, March 7, 2016

Spring....looking forward to it yet dreading it

Spring always makes one feel good. It seems like the air is fresher, life is on the move. Trees are budding. Things are popping up out of the ground. Happiness all around.

I am looking forward to spring yet dreading it at the same time. How could that be?
I love spring. It makes me feel good. What is there to dread? It will arrive officially with the Spring Equinox on March 20th. On April 7th my son will have been gone from this earthly plane for 1 full year. I can't imagine it really, but it exists. I am just getting used to the fact that I can't dial him up and chat with him or that he won't be calling and asking how his mamasita is doing today. This is what I am dreading. The knowledge of one year. No return.
With the coming of spring it seems that all things that died since the first frost and the true depths of winter arrived will return. They do and they don't. The parts that actually died will not return, yet within their inner being is the ability to regenerate new buds, new flowers, growth. So what magic will come and what will spring forth in either my soul, my daughter's soul, my grandson's (his son) soul, or those of the other family members and friends? Will they or I even recognize that this new birth came from the left overs of his leaving?

One of the things that has gotten me through this first year is technology. We curse technology at times because it invades all aspects of our lives and yet at the same time it gives us the ability to do so much. Occasionally that is a big curse in and of itself. Because of technology though, I have saved phone messages and texts. Facebook has so much including videos he took and posted. Then there are videos and photos taken by his friends.  A treasure trove for sure.

I cannot in all honesty feel sorry for myself that he is gone although I want to. Just this past weekend there was a story on the news of a fire in a home with 3 children. They were upstairs and the mother was downstairs. The firemen were not able to save them. That is just one of many stories happening around the world. Everyone has sorrows that they carry around in their heart.....I am not alone, yet I am.  I remember when he first died and I was feeling so devastated, I heard on the news that Vice President Biden had just lost his son. That is when I realized for the first time that I was just one of many of the centuries. Mothers of soldiers must have it the worst.

Actually, as I sit here typing it also dawned on me that mothers who lost their children to drugs must also feel devastated. Their children are still alive, but are not in many ways.

Usually I post something on Christmas day which I think I skipped this year so I am going to add to this post what I sent inside my Christmas cards.

Here goes........

Most years the cards I send are handmade. Occasionally I find a pre-made card that so speaks to me that I must buy it and send it. When I make my cards they are filled with my love and thoughts of the people I will be sending them to. It may be the only time of the year that I communicate with you so it is important to me that they be filled with homemade love, much like cooking and sharing a fine meal with someone.

I may hand deliver some of the local ones, but the rest will go out to the post and into the trusted hands of the postal service to travel far and wide to family and friends. When you open this card, it has carried my love from my home to yours. Let it settle into your heart that you are loved and thought of.

This year has been a hard one as many of you know that my son Byron died in April.

Every day, all over the world, someone has lost a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a child, an extended family member, or a friend. I am not alone in this loss yet many days it can feel that way.

The reason for Christ mas is the birth of Christ. We celebrate this birth as a special gift to the world. We also view any birth as the miracle it truly is. We do not view death that way as often times how someone dies is tragic and horrific. It does not provide us with a darling little baby that we can hold and love. It does leave us with feelings of loss and emptiness. In my process of thinking on Byron’s death, I realized that dying is also a miracle as we return to our source. From whence we came, so we return regardless of the circumstances and feelings of loss we leave behind us.

So every day of 2016 I want you to remember that you are loved. Your love matters. Give your heart.

Merry Christ mas