Monday, March 7, 2016

Spring....looking forward to it yet dreading it

Spring always makes one feel good. It seems like the air is fresher, life is on the move. Trees are budding. Things are popping up out of the ground. Happiness all around.

I am looking forward to spring yet dreading it at the same time. How could that be?
I love spring. It makes me feel good. What is there to dread? It will arrive officially with the Spring Equinox on March 20th. On April 7th my son will have been gone from this earthly plane for 1 full year. I can't imagine it really, but it exists. I am just getting used to the fact that I can't dial him up and chat with him or that he won't be calling and asking how his mamasita is doing today. This is what I am dreading. The knowledge of one year. No return.
With the coming of spring it seems that all things that died since the first frost and the true depths of winter arrived will return. They do and they don't. The parts that actually died will not return, yet within their inner being is the ability to regenerate new buds, new flowers, growth. So what magic will come and what will spring forth in either my soul, my daughter's soul, my grandson's (his son) soul, or those of the other family members and friends? Will they or I even recognize that this new birth came from the left overs of his leaving?

One of the things that has gotten me through this first year is technology. We curse technology at times because it invades all aspects of our lives and yet at the same time it gives us the ability to do so much. Occasionally that is a big curse in and of itself. Because of technology though, I have saved phone messages and texts. Facebook has so much including videos he took and posted. Then there are videos and photos taken by his friends.  A treasure trove for sure.

I cannot in all honesty feel sorry for myself that he is gone although I want to. Just this past weekend there was a story on the news of a fire in a home with 3 children. They were upstairs and the mother was downstairs. The firemen were not able to save them. That is just one of many stories happening around the world. Everyone has sorrows that they carry around in their heart.....I am not alone, yet I am.  I remember when he first died and I was feeling so devastated, I heard on the news that Vice President Biden had just lost his son. That is when I realized for the first time that I was just one of many of the centuries. Mothers of soldiers must have it the worst.

Actually, as I sit here typing it also dawned on me that mothers who lost their children to drugs must also feel devastated. Their children are still alive, but are not in many ways.

Usually I post something on Christmas day which I think I skipped this year so I am going to add to this post what I sent inside my Christmas cards.

Here goes........

Most years the cards I send are handmade. Occasionally I find a pre-made card that so speaks to me that I must buy it and send it. When I make my cards they are filled with my love and thoughts of the people I will be sending them to. It may be the only time of the year that I communicate with you so it is important to me that they be filled with homemade love, much like cooking and sharing a fine meal with someone.

I may hand deliver some of the local ones, but the rest will go out to the post and into the trusted hands of the postal service to travel far and wide to family and friends. When you open this card, it has carried my love from my home to yours. Let it settle into your heart that you are loved and thought of.

This year has been a hard one as many of you know that my son Byron died in April.

Every day, all over the world, someone has lost a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a child, an extended family member, or a friend. I am not alone in this loss yet many days it can feel that way.

The reason for Christ mas is the birth of Christ. We celebrate this birth as a special gift to the world. We also view any birth as the miracle it truly is. We do not view death that way as often times how someone dies is tragic and horrific. It does not provide us with a darling little baby that we can hold and love. It does leave us with feelings of loss and emptiness. In my process of thinking on Byron’s death, I realized that dying is also a miracle as we return to our source. From whence we came, so we return regardless of the circumstances and feelings of loss we leave behind us.

So every day of 2016 I want you to remember that you are loved. Your love matters. Give your heart.

Merry Christ mas

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