Monday, May 2, 2016

Fill your paper with breathings from your soul

Yesterday was my birthday. I went most of my life having my birthday to myself meaning none of my co-workers shared my birthday. When I was in my 40's my sister adopted a boy born on the 1st so since then I have shared with him and three years ago I went to work at the Ben Franklin near where I live and had four other co-workers with my same birth date. That is actually kind of crazy since the store employs less than 100 people.

Unfortunately I had a moment where I let the thought that on my 18th birthday I was pregnant with my son flit through my head. Tears sprang to my eyes and I got a lump in my throat and my gut which persisted for several hours into my birthday adventure. We always play music when we go on an adventure and most music that is about relationships are usually about lovers or spouses. I find things about many of the songs apply to my thoughts and feelings about other relationships in my life. Elvis Presley singing "Memories" is very poignant and there are so many more from the 250 songs loaded on my ipod shuffle.

As I tell you this I don't want to take anything away from my daughter. She was born when I was 15 1/2 and on my 15th birthday I may have thought or wondered if I was pregnant, but I don't think I knew for certain. I was not far enough along to feel her kicking or anything. On the other hand, my son's birthday is in July 2 1/2 months after my birthday so his kicking and such was very much in evidence. I have actually thought many times that even though I had my daughter so young, that she saved my life. I don't know what that means entirely, I just feel it. My son was more of a challenge. I have often said that if the second child had come first there would be no second child.

I don't know how old he was when that thought changed because he made me crazy for years. He challenged every aspect of my being to the nth degree. My secondary thoughts were I wasn't sure if I was going to commit hari-kari or murder. Getting him out of bed and ready for school was a challenge every single day. I was disciplined on a regular basis for being late to work for so many years. When he finally became 18 a miracle happened. I'm hardly ever late for work and I have not been in trouble since then.....well, not total truth, but only things related to me personally.

I don't know if you have ever had this phenomena happen to you, but I have had times in my life where I hardly ever see a particular type car or color anywhere until I buy one for my self and then I suddenly see them all the time. They were actually there all along, I just didn't notice them prior to that time. Since my son died, I have learned about so many other friends or co-workers that have had their children die. One woman I knew in high school had a son who passed away not to long after my son did. It seems crazy and oh so wrong on so many levels yet we are the ones who make up these sayings and have these thoughts. God/dess never promised anyone  any one thing except to love us no matter what.

I am grateful to have had another birthday even if I am missing part of my heart. I hear if you fill broken pieces with gold to mend them and bring them together it will make them stronger. Where do I find the gold for this process?

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